Days melt into each other

I finally figured out what snatched my writing mojo away - it's the antidepressants. They level my brain from rollercoaster emotions but they also turn me into a bit of an anti-social zombie, I don't feel much of anything lately. It's bizarre and I don't like it but crying every day wasn't doing me any good either. I don't want to worry anyone, I'm OK, I just don't want to be fake and carry on like nothing's happened. Lots has happened but sharing has become more difficult. I have to remind myself why I started blogging in the first place and make an effort to keep at it, in the end it does me good. 

Yes, reminder: this blog is about daily life dealing with stage 4 cancer. For those who don't know what this means, here is a brief recap as per Google:

Stage I: The cancer is localized to a small area and hasn't spread to lymph nodes or other tissues. 

Stage II: The cancer has grown, but it hasn't spread. 

Stage III: The cancer has grown larger and has possibly spread to lymph nodes or other tissues. 

Stage IV: The cancer has spread (metastasized) to other organs or areas of your body.

My cancer is called Renal Cell Carcinoma (RCC) with a very rare subtype that nobody really knows much about, where it comes from or why I developed it - a few years ago my DNA decided to mutate and this caused a tumor in my left kidney that went undiagnosed for so long the damn thing broke apart and went everywhere in my body, which makes it impossible to cure. Chemo and IV infusions are keeping me alive for now, until those stop working or the cancer metastasizes onto my major organs and then I'm done for. 

Once cancer metastasizes to the bones (which is my case), you have about 6-48 months to live on average  but some people live longer, so I can't focus on numbers. I was diagnosed a year and a half ago but I had been sick for a while before that so I don't know what my numbers look like. I guess it's in God's hands. 

Yes, the tumors hurt. My pelvis is mostly shredded on the left side and sometimes the pain is so bad I can't sleep. It is constant, burning, throbbing. There isn't a single second it doesn't hurt, even if I take painkillers - mind you, I'm keeping the big guns for later when I'll really need them. It's what causes people at end stages of cancer to ask for medical aid in dying (MAiD), the pain is so terrible it robs you of any quality of life. I'm not there yet, hopefully years away from that but who knows. 

Now life isn't all bad, in fact now I even have a tiny bit of energy left over from normal daily activities that I've started visiting the gym in my building for a few minutes of stretching and exercises with weights at a time. I intend to keep this up a few days per week, or when my body allows me to do so. I have to push myself to get dressed and get off my comfy warm couch but once I start moving it feels so good - muscle memory is a great thing. 

Next post I'll talk about chemo and monoclonal antibodies, what these things are and what they do. 

Sounding off with a picture of me in the gym, hope you like it LOL!