The hardest thing

I think one of the hardest things for people in my situation (single and terminally ill) is the knowledge that dating life is well behind me. 

Some people may still try - everyone is different - but where would they find the energy? And to meet a person who accepts your fate (that there is a ticking time bomb around your neck and you can't do normal people things anymore), well that's like adding another couple of bricks on the back of the duck trying to swim across a pond full of piranhas. 

Dating is hard enough. When you have so little to offer the chances of finding someone are slim to none, IF you even have enough energy to look in the first place. It would be like winning the lottery.

Truth is I'm fine alone, even if it gets hard sometimes the moments pass and I'm OK again. Do I miss physical intimacy? Yes. Do I miss having a special someone to cuddle with, who's there to help carry the load of life? Yes. Am I willing to spend energy trying to change this? No. I just can't anymore. After spending the day fighting to stay alive I just don't have anything left over for anyone. So it's sometimes a lonely life but at least I was single when I found out this was my fate because having to go through a breakup on top of everything else would have destroyed me. I mean, who would have stayed and endured all this crap? Normal relationships are hard enough, add in a medical disaster and it's a "no thanks" recipe for most.

I wasn't meant to be part of something bigger than myself, I realize that now. I never wanted children, I've been a bystander, a black sheep and a wallflower my whole life so it's a natural ending for me - even if this wasn't how I wanted it to be. 

Funny thing: up until recently I didn't know I could be happy being single and celibate. Always believed I needed a partner to be complete. The loneliness just killed me. Oh, how the tables have turned... It's like I had an awakening of sorts in 2018, I became my own person - the timing is something else, isn't it? I welcomed two amazing cats in my life and they became my faithful companions. My soul started breathing, I found my own two feet and haven't stopped standing ever since, even if my legs are shaky sometimes.

I'll get through this, leaning on beautiful memories of times gone by. Of the special people who shared my life, of places I visited and of all the amazing experiences I had throughout the decades. I'm lucky to have made it this far (alone or not) and I intend on staying around for a while longer, for as long as I possibly can. But dating is definitely over for me and that's just one more thing I need to grieve to feel complete, to be truly free. To be ready for the next phase of existence.

PS: Don't be sorry for me, this is the end result of life choices and I've accepted all that. I feel loved, supported and appreciated - that's all that matters in the end.