When does grieving end?

It comes out of nowhere, at the most unexpected of moments. 

I know it's a wave to ride and that it passes but it's just debilitating sometimes - and you have to push through it, you can't turn back time to fix the fuckups. Like this cancer. It was preventable if it had been caught early. If only I had pushed the doctors to investigate. If only I had paid attention to my health bettter. If only.

Tonight on Facebook I saw a video clip of the "ice crap" fest that happened on this day five years ago, it brought me back to when I had a life, a schedule and a job and friends and... was battling depression... yet I was the most fit of my life physically. Now I'm at my weakest but building up emotional strength, like shit why couldn't I have both together at any point of my life? 

I've finally managed to wean off antidepressants after five long years of trying, so there's that. Still some residual challenges I'm fighting through but I think overall this time I've finally kicked the meds. I'm on enough pills as it is so this is a GOOD thing.

The urge to numb myself is hard to resist, I can't even have a drink of alcohol anymore because of my condition. It's all built on strength of character at this point. 

I have much to be grateful for - don't get me wrong.

Only sometimes it hits me. My life as it was and how I wanted it to be is gone. Forever. My body is compromised to the point of most activities being impossible now, even something as trivial like an hour at the thrift store is just too taxing. It hurts to stand that long.

Got my IV infusions today, fight little blood soldiers - FIGHT. 

Mama needs you. 

Ending this post from a pic from November 2017, featuring sweet Charley whom I miss dearly as well. 

 

Namaste my friends.