Thursday was spectacular, went on a little road trip with my parents to Kamouraska for lunch and some time by the sea as the sun was shining and it wasn't too cold (until the winds picked up and whoosh it got frisky!) - here are a few pics:
I knew the trip would tire me out so I planned to rest yesterday, which was fine. I took the time to make a new batch of cannabutter which is a smelly annoying chore, glad it's out of the way. However I'm worn out today as well after not sleeping deeply (I know I _am_ sleeping only I wake up tired, rarely feel rested) and carrying a headache since yesterday that Tylenol can't squash. Lots of tension in my shoulders. I dug up my super-duper massaging machine for shoulders and will try that, hopefully it will help. Did two loads of laundry and cleaned the kitchen, took out all the trash and recycling and cleaned the cat corner, had a bowl of the most delicious lobster bisque (I brought some home from Kamouraska) and now I'm ready to try my new SodaStream machine, yay! Always wanted one and my life philosophy runs along the lines of "it's now or never, girl" so here we are.
What I wanted to mention that while I was folding laundry and listening to music a big wave of sadness came over me out of nowhere, felt like a punch in the heart - I'm not ready to go yet, I have still so much living to do. I'm worried about my remaining kidney since being told it's not functioning well, which is why Tuesday's CT scan will take up to six hours with the IV hydration they need to do before and after, it's gotten that bad. If I have to face dialysis I'll be honest - I don't know if I can. I really don't. Because I am not eligible for a kidney transplant as I have terminal cancer, only I can live for years with it if the tumors are held in check or have a slow progression with the chemo, immunotherapy and radiation.
Living with cancer is a fucking curse, like a guillotine hanging over your head that could drop at any moment without much forewarning. It's not natural to face your death like this, and you don't know for how long this situation will last. Sure it gives you time to prepare your papers, your estate, to take stock of your life and get things scratched off that bucket list. But I do see the appeal of a sudden and unexpected death - you don't waste/spend time worrying about it and watching an invisible clock tick tick tick.
Anyways. Blah day. Thanks for listening.
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